NEW LIVEJOURNAL:

vinylbliss28

School is so freaking insane. Seriously. School hasn't even started yet and I am being faced with life changing decisions that have to be made. After being depressed and sort of "out of it" for so long, this is weird. I am at that point, i mean i am at the age where the decisions need to be made but they are still scary and i am uncertain about both choices. That sort of crazy mess. 
But I am trying, which is more than i could have done a couple of months ago so i still feel that things are looking up. 
I am missing my best friend in California. We don't really talk very much anymore. I miss her terribly. It sucks when shit like this happens. I want it all to be over and settled. I just want to be done. All this nonsense in the middle is not fun. Maybe if I had a life and friends things would be better, but they are not so I am pissed and depressed and not the person I am want to be. And that is super sad to me.


I could use some words of kindness. Some words of wisdom are always welcome too :)

I just thought I would get some of my writing out there. So here are some snipets of things that I have been writing lately.

Piece #1:
To feel this sort of aching for someone whom I do not even know, whom I am not even aware of their existence is both completely alarming and totally depressing. I am in love with a faceless bodiless, maybe even fictional person. I have created my perfect yet flawed other half without even knowing if they exist. These yearnings and severe and deep wounds of love are for a person that does not, to my knowledge, exist. Now how do you suppose dear reader I precede with my feelings from here? How am I supposed to profess my undying love to someone whom I have never met? My heart pounds at the thought that his other half of my heart may exist. The yearning deep and sincere in ever single fiber of my being for a love that I have never even come close to feeling is becoming more a kin to a curse than anything else. And then there is the danger of myself finally meeting a perfectly wonderful man, whom I completely pass over because I hold him up to impossible standards set by only myself and my addiction to daydreaming. What am I to do then? Be alone forever? I suppose I could survive it, but only because I have done so thus far. I know I could survive it, actually. I just do not wish to be alone. I wish, as I have made very apparent by my self induced suffering by falling for a fictional man created by myself and my indulgent imagination, to fall in love completely and totally and to be loved completely and totally for all that I am. But then of course, there is always the danger of compromising too much and just settling because I am so scared of being alone, which to me would be worse than being alone. I conclude then, that I must have faith in myself and faith in love. Faith that when I fall in love, I will trust that love and follow my heart, as corny as that may sound. If the man I fall for is not the man I have dreamt of, but I fall in love with him I will have faith in my happiness and his ability to make me fall so irrevocably in love with him. I will not settle, but I will allow myself to fall in love. I will guard my heart until I feel the love I know deep in my entire being I deserve. For I shall not give my love to a man who does not deserve it. Because when I do finally fall in love I will love that man with all of my heart. I will give my heart willingly and happily asking only for the same in return. The man, who can do this, is of the highest regard in my book. The man who can return my love in its fullest deserves it.



Piece #2:
I fell into my seat at the table, not noticing the stares I received from my family. Ahhh, just freakin fantastic. She made the weird and disgusting burritos. What a life I have. I grimaced at my plate and got back up to get something to drink instead. Why should I bother eating, I was a flippin hippo anyway. I heard my dear mother mumble something tentatively from the table. I barely lifted the hair out of my eyes as I grumbled, “Eh?”
“You really should at least try to eat something, honey. I know you don’t want to but your body needs fuel. Just eat a little protein or something.”  I sigh grandly and grab a slice of turkey out of the fridge and cringe as I shove it in my mouth, swallow, and throw her a contemptible grimace. Taking my glass of orange, I shuffle down the brightly lit hall way to the dark vast gloom of the bat cave that is my room. I really do feel bad. My mom is the best ever. I am so unbelievably awful to everyone it is no wonder anyone wants to be near me. She just wants me to eat something and I have to go and be a bitch. Wonderful. I bet she is so glad to have such a wonderful daughter. I wish I could just make them all happy. I wish I was happy. That’s all I want, too much to ask, pray tell? I set my glass on my bedside table and flop back onto my bed and lay there for several minutes as I let the tears from this little adventure fall down my cheeks and stain my bed with a salty layer. Then I sit up and once more pull the covers up to my chin and turn on my life support… other wise known as the television. Sweet television. Blind numbing nothingness. Oh how I love that silvery box of dreams. Take me away, Panasonic, take me away!  


Please honestly tell me what you think. I will continue to work on this stuff until I am satisfyed but I of course would love to hear what you think! Thanks!